My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
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Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH