@MandiAtRandom

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

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@imdaintyaf

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

@michelleDbelle

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

@Jake_Vig

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

@randomnloveit

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

@herprettybones

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

@SketchesbyBoze

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

@pizza_dragon

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

@Browtweaten

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911