Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
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*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Just as the prophecy foretold
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”