@MandiAtRandom

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

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@AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

@KielyHealey

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

@northcoastkevin

If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.

Follow me for more life pro tips.

@squirrel74wkgn

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

@RorynotRoy

I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

@patnspankme

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

@perolikewyd

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

@TheMichaelRock

Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.