[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.
Follow me for more life pro tips.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.