[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911