8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Girls suck at cuddling.. 3 mins in they be like “I got a question and don’t lie”
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You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min
I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.
Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?
My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.
Ah ? ha ? ha ? ha ? stayin’ alive, stayin alive ? ? ? ?.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.