4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
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There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
This makes total sense…
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂