@NiggazWILIN

Girls suck at cuddling.. 3 mins in they be like “I got a question and don’t lie”

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@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

@secondofhername

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

@dearjhonletter

hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min

@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.

Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?

@jazmasta

My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.

@rachelle_mandik

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

@OllyiConic

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

@StaceyLynne_44

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.