Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
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Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
This is true.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”