@kingushbal: girls talk about makeup like it's a damn weapon, "what eyeshadow is that?" oh its the Mac 35XZ10 pro supreme blend 10 points to Gryffindor
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you work late? [flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending] me:Yep
@fivefifths: *waking up out of sleep and sees toddler’s eyes in the dark* *silence* *barely audible whisper* “Baby shark”
@shot_of_cabo: If you start a sentence with "Let me reiterate..." I'm gonna ignore it the second time too.