I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
IT’S-A ME,
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
accurate
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top