Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though


Boss: I’ll tell you what I want

Me: So tell me what you want, what you really really want

*office breaks into Spice Girls dance routine


I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.


The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done


wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?


Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs


I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.


Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.


INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off


This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.