All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
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Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say
ME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*