INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.