Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.


Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.


HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t


So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.


*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?


me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.


*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*


If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.


Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*