The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.