Girls who say bestie are the worstie.

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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.


My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward


When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.


cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”


A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.


waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours


Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.


*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird


[Crime scene on set-your-clock-back-an-hour day]

INVESTIGATOR 1: Time of death?

INVESTIGATOR 2: [looks at microwave…then phone] uhhm hmm


…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”