Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Morning my dudes.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
me, after any kind of buffet.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.