“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
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Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that鈥檚 somehow different every time.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 馃ズ
Husband of the year 馃槀
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My god she’s good.
Every damn time
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
This guy鈥檚 luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it鈥檚 freaking me out.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”