Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.