@reesespiece_: Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
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@UncleDuke1969: [restaurant] ME: I’m meeting my blind date here. HOSTESS: Do you have reservations? ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
@13spencer: A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn't want to hurt people from Florida?
@beefman138: I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.