giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
twitter is a journey
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?