Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
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If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
You’d think strip poker would be more fun but Grandpa is horrible at cards.
Best things to pull:
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
billy joel: can i sing them to u
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Me: That the new iPhone?
Him: Yup! The 5S!
Me: What’s the difference?
Him: The C stands for “Cheap”
Me: What about the S?