@jonnysun

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

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@2thestreetz

If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?

@JKNenagh

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

@JediGigi

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

@Sassafrantz

You’d think strip poker would be more fun but Grandpa is horrible at cards.

@TheBoydP

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

@JJSummertime

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

@Shock_Monster

Me: That the new iPhone?
Him: Yup! The 5S!
Me: What’s the difference?
Him: The C stands for “Cheap”
Me: What about the S?
Him: “‘Spensive”