@JennInTheCorner

Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.

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@SortaBad

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

@flashember

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

@ndiquote

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@chadzappa

I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

@AbbyHasIssues

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

@Vodkantots

At this point in my life, my biological clock isn’t so much ticking as it is knitting.

@velcrofannypack

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

@dugglebutt

I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.