just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
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Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.