Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
thinking about a very short hotdog
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan