Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night.
Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I’d come back after a month
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”