Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

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Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.


Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.


Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it


Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night.

Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I’d come back after a month


There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.


Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted


Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person


me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*


Her:”Let’s make a baby.”

Him: “Okay! Hold on.”

*goes to bathroom*

[5 minutes later.]

Her: “Where’d you go?”

Him: “You meant with you??”