Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
what
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
lmao
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.