Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.
Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”
Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”
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therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.
took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!