wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
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My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.