Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”

Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”

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[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*


therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants


Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.


took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air


Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?


im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together


Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.


*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.