@Jamie1947

Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”

Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”

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@stephenjmolloy

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

@climaxximus

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.

@m0mjawn

took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air

@ImMelanieGibson

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

@dubstep4dads

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

@BrassBallsCJ

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

@3sunzzz

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!