@Jamie1947

Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”

Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”

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@DaddyBeerGuy

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

@iAmSuzieA

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

@KattsDogma

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

@TheRolo

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

@shot_of_cabo

I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..

And she said..

“The big hand is on the….”

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

@ThisOneSayz

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

@AmishPornStar1

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

@trumpetcake

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.