@andyerikson

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

You Might Also Like

@callie_cakes

Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.

This divorce thing is really working out for me.

@GlennyRodge

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

@The_No_Show

“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.

@thatdutchperson

[remodel]

Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?

Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.

@Pro_Jones_

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

@Browtweaten

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@ultrakristian

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.