Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.
This divorce thing is really working out for me.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?
Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.
If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.
Priest: They’ve written their vows
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.