Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached
-later that day-
Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!
Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Hi. Yes I’d like one new body please.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.
The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.