@rolldiggity

Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”

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@ThaJawn

Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached

-later that day-

Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@WowYoureFunny

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!

@MindyFurano

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

@TheTweetOfGod

With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.

@CantWaitToNap

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

@skin_and_i

I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

@kumailn

For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.