In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: