*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
this FaceApp is creepy af
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers