*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“What’re you like in the bedroom?”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*