Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.


Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band


If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.


OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.


Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”


I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover.

… Wait.


I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video


Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*