Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.