Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
okay run it by me one more time
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
the #horror is real!