I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth
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Coworker:I’ll take care if it.
You’re gonna take care of it. You just don’t know it yet.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.