@LordofScribble

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth

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@Parkerlawyer

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

@just1fool

Coworker:I’ll take care if it.

*Translation*

You’re gonna take care of it. You just don’t know it yet.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

@MarfSalvador

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

@lecalabara

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

@samdunsiger

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

@Dani_Feld

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

@brownbear952

Favorite Doubles:
1. Scotch
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Bourbon
4. Entendres
5. Dipping