The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
oh you wanna fight?!
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich