It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
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I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
the clam before the storm
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast