My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
I didn’t want the cop to see that my car’s registration tags weren’t current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too
I’ll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad