@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.

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@solsayswhaaa

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

@WorldWideWob

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

@BradBroaddus

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

@DanMentos

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

@OutAndAbouter

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

@perfect_messs

[Miss America]
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before

@gavinmind

Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.

Satellite tv installer: How bad?

Dads: REALLY bad

Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?

Dads:

Installer:

Dads: YES

@Fred_Delicious

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”