The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?