I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before
Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.
Satellite tv installer: How bad?
Dads: REALLY bad
Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”