I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cells divide again*
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots 🙁