[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Yep.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Hey i am sexy to you now
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Name this drama.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent: