@delusionaliam

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!

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@PlainTravis

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@GingerHotDish

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

@AndrewNadeau0

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@MadelnCanada

You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.

@SteveSuckington

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

@YES_IM_RUDE

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

@Spaziotwat

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

@wickedimproper

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

@gwatts77

Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots 🙁