Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Super Hand Dog Face
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Finally a use for spoilers…
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon