My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
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CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
From Facebook just now…
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.