Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.