Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.