@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

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@mommajessiec

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

@notalogin

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

@Cpin42

Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.

@Verity_Holloway

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

@hellohappy_time

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

@hippieswordfish

*newspaper headline*
BIDEN’S EMAIL HACKED
-‘it was easy’ the hackers said ‘his password was ‘password’

@delusionaliam

“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*

“Dude!, I don’t see anything”

“It’s invisible ink”

@Pat_Bren

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.

@PhilJamesson

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes