Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

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{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.


Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?



Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.


The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.


My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.


Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril


Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.


[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out