Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
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Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
BIDEN’S EMAIL HACKED
-‘it was easy’ the hackers said ‘his password was ‘password’
“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*
“Dude!, I don’t see anything”
“It’s invisible ink”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes