@geowizzacist: Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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@BrianStack153: Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
@squirrel74wkgn: [at the club] Her: C'mon, lets dance! Me: Ugh, ok...one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*