Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.