Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.