Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

You Might Also Like


Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
Cs: no


11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.


[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman




bruce wayne: wait shit no


If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.


My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.


“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”


FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life


I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers


Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?