Condoms prevent minivans.
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Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?