Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work