@UncleDuke1969

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

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@d_duhwit

Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
Cs: no

@perfumegenius

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

@Skoog

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

@Hammyinmiami

My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

@AtticusFinch79

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

@bitchofficially

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

@Marlebean

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?