March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
he’s doing your taxes
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.