Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

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Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.


Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.


I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.


3 days ago I ate my daughters’s m&m’s while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate ’em She’s still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.


Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were


SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?


Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best


Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.


Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.