@timdonakowski

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

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@MoneypennyNaked

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

@Angibangie

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

@1CleverGirl1

3 days ago I ate my daughters’s m&m’s while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate ’em She’s still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.

@MarfSalvador

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

@_NTFG_

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@Mom_Overboard

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.