Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Chicago sounds lovely.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would