Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”

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every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough


My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.


*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”


(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂


“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.


Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.


What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!


I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.