@FeelingMervis

Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”

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@gemuuchii

every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough

@squirrel74wkgn

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

@Rollinintheseat

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

@thomas_violence

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

@JoParkerBear

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

@BCMontgo

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

@Darlainky

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.