Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.