Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.


I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.


Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*


When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.


I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”


Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this


How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue


Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone


[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?