@Jay1972Jay

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

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@_Water_Baby

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

@DanielAda1960

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@XplodingUnicorn

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@Brampersandon_

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

@DirtMcTurd

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

@TheAlexNevil

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that