
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?