@Jay1972Jay
@WilliamAder
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
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@WilliamAder
@RichardDawkins
I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.
@Maddy_ubert
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
@just_evolved
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
@DamienFahey
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
@abbycohenwl
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
@jonnysun
JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL
@Book_Krazy
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
@PeaceInTruth1
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
@BoomBoomBetty
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?