Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.


Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.


Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim


My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.


A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.


JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*


[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”


First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.


You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that