Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that