*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.