Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.