Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts