Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
a fate I wish upon no one
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!