Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
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Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.