@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

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@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@MikeDrucker

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

@yonewt

How To Be Interesting:

Never pronounce “Ray Liotta” the same way twice

@MelvinofYork

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

@DanMentos

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

@AnAbsurdBird

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

@AmishPornStar1

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

@Zombie_Kit

Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.

@CantWaitToNap

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

@PLATINUM2000

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.