Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married


I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.


How To Be Interesting:

Never pronounce “Ray Liotta” the same way twice


If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out


[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff


With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.


*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?


Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.


I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.


If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.