@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

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@TheFearBoners

Hey Texas, in Florida it’s legal to abort other people’s kids up to 17 years.

@NicestHippo

[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird

@jeff_ratfamily

A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay

@HatfieldAnne

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

@AshaRangappa_

If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@EndhooS

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

@LeBearGirdle

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

@Big_Cat74

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?