Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
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[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Bring back the McRib
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*