Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
can’t talk my ride’s here
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Had an epiphany today.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.