Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Watermelon Boss!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.