@NotJPo

Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.

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@illiter8too

So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.

@NotThatKristi

My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”

@sixfootcandy

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

@Dil_Tron

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

@ThisLocalHater

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@therealeatwood

ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal