Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.

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So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.


My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”


I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.


[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?


I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now


*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet


ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal