and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
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walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
jesus, what did this guy do
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.